What a total creep the Frenchman in the shop sounds A, although it is sometimes the case that foreigners can come across as surly because they are just different in their approach; for example I learnt the other day from a new Mum (from Norway) that, unlike the Brits, Norwegians never ask each other how they are when they meet in the street, they just say “Hello” and unless someone has been very ill “How are you” is not a phrase they will use and astoundingly the same goes for “please” and “thank you”, the Norweigians don’t use these words either! Since arriving in Britain the poor lady has been madly teaching her two children how to say please and thank you because they actually DO NOT know how to use these words, hilarious!
Well, I have no intention of thanking the police for a rather aggressive notice which came though my door this afternoon………
“In accordance with Section 1 of the Road Traffic Offenders Act 1988, I hereby give notice that it is intended to take proceedings against the driver of motor vehicle XXX for the alleged offence of EXCEED 40 MPH at 10.37 on 28/09/2012………”
Yes girls, the day of the Henley Literary Festival! Now you see how mad keen I was to get to the festival or perhaps on the other hand how completely bloomin’ petrified I was, so much so that I sped the whole way there. You should know that contrary to popular belief, this truly is the first time in my life that I have EVER been done for speeding or anything else for that matter. I never got caught for smoking those big fat you know whats, I never got caught for climbing trees in Hyde Park at midnight, I never got caught for breaking in to a well known gym in the 80′s and swimming naked with a boyfriend in the pool, I never got caught for underage drinking, I never got caught for dipping my cigarettes in unmentionables, smoking them and then giggling a lot, I never got caught for driving my moped without a helmet, No, I have never been caught for ANYTHING, well, apart from nicking food from the school kitchens aged eleven.
According to my husband I must now go on a speed awareness course, but why, to make me aware of the fact that I’m a bloody idiot and shouldn’t be allowed on the roads or to thank me for being such an incredible example to other drivers for the last 30 odd years? I just wish that this efficious and horribly complicated letter said something more along the lines of:
” We understand that you probably did not mean to speed through a very small village that looked so boring you just wanted to get out the other side as quickly as possible and we also know that this is your first offence……ever, ever,ever SO we’re going to let you off with a caution.” But no such luck……oh well, now that they’ve got me I might as well spill the beans and admit that I was infact packing an AK47 and on my way to carry out an armed robbery on the village post office run by Mother Teresa; on my return journey I had planned to stop off at The Bikers Inn, buy some crack and sell it at the Bingo Hall, after which I though I might cruise the streets in my dastardly heels a la Pretty Woman and try to make an extra thousand for a well deserved holiday on the Costa Del Sol.Yours, up to no good as always, ELLIE xxx