Ok ladies, enough about sex, you know that I cannot abide the thought of it these days and I hope that you are not asking me to pretend otherwise. The best I can do in that department is watch the dog get humped in the park by all and sundry, poor thing attracts a ridiculous amount of dog slappers, both male and female who insist on bouncing him the minute he walks through the gates for his morning poo, must be his long hair. Only today I met with a friend who has a labradoodle puppy, the dog is 9 months old and horny as hell and when I say horny as hell I mean that he just NEVER STOPS DOGGING; according to my very intelligent friend the owner, this is not about sex at all, it’s about dominance and establishing who’s boss…. in a doggy sort of a way, although thinking about it now the characteristic sounds rather familiar. Anyway in order that you can both read up on the subject to your heart’s content you will be interested to know that the latest sex census has been released (yes, I was just as surprised to learn of it’s existence as you are) and I also attach Relate’s lengthy list of why “We’ve stopped having sex”  questions. Personally I’ve always liked a good snog and a bit of fornication in the sea, I have never been one to watch porn with my partner, in fact it made me rather cross when I found some rampant magazines under the bed of an ex and although it probably shouldn’t have, finding out that he got off on looking at the graphic photos in said mags made me question what sort of a bloke he was, perhaps everyone does it and I don’t mean to sound Victorian but I cannot for one second imagine myself going into a newsagent and demanding a magazine stuffed full of naked studs holding their legs apart or bending over for me to see the lot. I’ll find a real body to look at thank you and it certainly won’t come in the form of a sticky magazine…….as it turned out my hunch about the ex was right and the relationship lasted a very short time but unfortunately I found out too late, by which time I’d married him. That was Husband number one.

On a more serious note A, I am so sorry to hear about your friend and her son, what the family must be going through is too dreadful to comprehend, how unfair life can be, humans seem capable of tolerating such very, very deep levels of turmoil but in time most make their way back to some semblance of normality. We are pre-programmed to recover and survive and more often than not, we do just that. I will say a little prayer for her.

Off to find a man for the night or maybe just a hot cuppa cocoa……

ELLIE XXX

P.S One to watch THE BOY WHO CAN’T FORGET, Tuesday 25th Sept, 9pm Channel 4.