A, GOOD LUCK with the party, it is of course going to be a wonderful event, your parties always are……I’ll be thinking of you hiding in the loo drinking shots, don’t let anyone take dodgy pics of you because they’ll be up on Facebook before you can say “That’s not meeee!”
School shoes. That’s my mission this week. School shoes and haircuts actually. Eldest daughter won’t hear of having her hair cut yet so I’m working on her, she wants it REAAAALLY long she says and now that she’s off to senior school, where they are allowed to wear their hair down (what’s the point of that, thanks for nothing Country School?) of course the longer the better. More to flip around and suck when peckish, more to twiddle and poke in her ear or up her nose, more to get greasy and covered in bogey from the latter, more to pile up hairy turban style but most importantly more to attract the randy boys just waiting to get a first snog from the new third formers. Youngest son however is completely the opposite, he can’t wait for the chop, he wants to look just like the overly vain Ronaldo and fortunately for me Ronaldo has extremely short hair, yes, we do go through the gel faze for about four days afterwards but from then on it’s plain sailing.
So, let’s talk shoes……this morning, on arriving at various shoe shops, we dutifully took our queuing number tickets (can’t think of anything worse than working in a children’s shoe shop) and sat for hour after hour just waiting to hear the dreaded words “sorry Madam, we don’t have those ones in his size, what a shame you didn’t come in yesterday when we had loads”. Waa waa waa!!! What I also noticed on my shopping travels, apart from how expensive good shoes are, was how beautifully tanned all the Mummies were! Where on earth have they all been, Mauritius, Barbados, Sardinia??! Ok, so if some have been to those lovely places it’s fine and of course I am extremely happy for them, but where is all the money coming from? I thought the country was in deep recession. One cannot do a two week holiday for five persons for less than £5000 can one, not really, not if you add it all up, flights, transfers, hotels, food, drinks, aqua-parks, silly airport purchases etc..etc…? Where am I going wrong, am I missing a trick here, are they giving holidays away free in the corner shop on Thursday nights in February and I just haven’t heard about it yet? Anyway, speaking of warm destinations, shoe shops and brown mummies I have also noticed the huge amount of mosquito bites on said people and am happy to report that in this respect I feel all but equal; my cat and dog have the most terrible fleas at the moment, according to the press a wet spring and the recent muggy spell has led to an explosion in the number of mosquitos and fleas, it seems that just as we get rid of one a lot another lot come along, consequently we are covered in revolting flea bites! Of course no-one needs to know that they are flea bites though do they? A little Fake Bake and a couple of ropey bracelets, I could even convince myself that we have spent the entire summer basking just inches from the equator?
Before I hop it to scratch the raging bite on my left shoulder with a hairbrush a quick story, I went to my Tesco local the other evening at about 8pm to buy, milk, orange juice, butter and a bottle of wine. There were a few customers milling around, a security guard and one extremely tall employee at the till. I handed over my items to the extremely tall employee and on picking up the bottle of wine to scan it he lifted his huge head and promptly shouted very loudly “ALCOHOL!!!!!!!!”. What on earth did he think he was doing????? Of course all he wanted was approval from his manager who was at the other end of the shop but it was so embarrassing and very bad form so following my public shaming I decided it was my turn to join in the fun and shouted “CIGARETTES!!” followed by “MARIJUANA!!” at the top of my voice and stopping just short of adding”COKE!!” & “ECSTASY!!!!” I politely put my purchases into a plastic bag and left!